to why i’m writing this, on days i thought of dying, the days i felt my friends didn’t understand my struggle. nights i cried on the same bed with my mum and she didn’t notice because i have learnt silent cries, on days i was too lazy to do anything, i don’t know what gave me the energy to come back to life. i have spent the last hours screaming at my phone because i’m downloading all of my favorite musics from apple music. you ask, “ok?” but the thing is i have been using audio mack since i got my iPhone and if it is not the unavailability of some music, it is how it deletes music. and i have been whining about this for a while and today, my wife, understanding my mental state, added me to her apple family plan. idk i’m so grateful for this friendship and i feel like i don’t do enough but dear wife, if you are reading this, one day, i’ll pay you back, okay? yup. i’m reading the above picture again and i live for so many things. i live for music, loud music and if i’m rich enough, i still wouldn’t buy apple earpods because it isn’t loud enough for me. omg, have you listened to your favorite music with a headphone? like, Adekunle Gold’s something different? listening to music with a headphone is when we say, “the little things matter.” because you hear every beats of the music down to the one the music producer didn’t think you’d hear. if i could, if i wouldn’t be crushed by a car or truck, music with. headphone while strolling down the road? count me in! everyday, i lock myself inside, like i’m doing right now, increase the tv volume to the highest, lay down and cuddle the pillow while shuffling between urbanTv and soundcity and every now and then, doing some sensual dance and shaku shakuing. i live for the nights, when the only thing i want to do is listen to my favorite music with a headphone or an earpiece while i sit outside watching the sky, counting the stars and wondering if the moon is really following me. or sometimes, cuddling my pillows and fantasizing about things to do. it’s on nights like this, i plan outfits in my head, “to wear this earrings or not?”, or plan photoshoots, “i should make a video to Miley Cyrus’ mother’s daughter”, and begging the universe to make sure the pictures come out beautiful. on nights like this, i fantasize living for nights when i listen to music in a beach or on a bed with my favorite person(s) while we hold hands. or we cuddle. or we both hug the pillow. or like in the ‘perks of being a wallflower’, in the car with my person(s) in our favorite cities in the world with loud music bumping in the background while we scream and feel like we’ve defeated the world. ‘us against the world’. on days when you are too lazy to do any chores, you remember your favorite songs and when you start to listen to it, you feel like washing all the plates in the world, “i should wash my clothes today”. i love music, my favorite is old musics. they make me go back to the days where the only thing i do is run naked inside the rain with my brother. but there are days when, even music does nothing. so you struggle through out that day, hoping the next day gets better. on days like today, music brought light to me. i sang along to Beyoncé’s mood 4 eva and the king eternal monarch’s gravity even though i don’t understand korean language. it’s on days like this that i want to live for the joy in my heart when i finally gets to download my favorite music from a movie i just finished watching. like the light that leaks through the window and wakes me up at 8am. or like the cold at 2am while talking to my favorite person(s). or taking perfect pictures of sunset at 6pm. or mixing flour and butter to bake. or stirring veggies and meat over low heat with little oil. i live for the evenings i apply aloe vera gel and honey on my face while Tones and i’s dance monkey is playing in the background. or days when i finally get to wash my hair. or the feeling i get from massaging my scalp after making didi at Iya Sule’s. or the smell of rain on sand. or the breeze that comes in when i sit in the backseat of a car and the window down, and listening to my favorite songs while i enjoy the beautiful view of third mainland bridge and how it makes me feel. i live for the days i send bella, a twenty minutes voicenote screaming happily. or days when i vibe to Ariana’s stuck with you while frying chin chin with one of my favorite persons and at intervals, hugging her. or the days i hold Ope gasping for air because this laughter is choking me. i live for the nights i sit on the couch crying for the little blessing that just happened. it’s in midnights like this, curled up on the sofa, listening to boys over flower’s one more time and laughing after crying, after deciding to stop writing this and just delete this piece.
for the little things that keep us alive, for music for keeping us alive…
