august, 2022.
my school has about four campuses? i’m not sure but i’m sure of these four campuses. my lectures take place at campus two and three, and for campus three, there’s a big gate and a small gate. small gate is the most popular and i think faster (depends on where you stay off campus) route to get into the campus. so obviously, it’s very crowded except for saturdays and sundays. last semester, i wrote on my whatsapp about the way this crowd makes me feel. if i walk through the crowd alone, i get really anxious. asides the so many people, there are lots of bikes and tricycles and i get scared of being hit or touched by one. at a point during last semester, i had to start using another route that seems less crowded and very calm.
this morning, i wanted to get something i was craving and none of the stores around my hostel seemed to have it. that means i have to walk further to the stores near the small gate to get this thing, but i blatantly said no in my head. i kept thinking of how to go about it and boom! i remembered there’s a store in the other route i used to take, so i went there. here is the point of this writing — my anxiety got triggered, and i started to feel exhausted. i felt the urge to cry, too. i had to go back to my hostel to catch my breathe. when i saw that i was okay, i went back to get what i need, this time doing it fine.
i think i’m scared of crowds, especially when i have to go through them alone. asides the fact that this school has a way of triggering my anxiety, i get like this when i’m also in ibadan. the only difference is, it’s always mild unlike in school. the thing i don’t get about this is, the crowds are not even facing me, everyone is minding their business but it still makes me very anxious. let me also add that another new thing that makes me anxious is strangers complimenting me. i mean i like it but i freeze for a sec before saying thank you.
idk how to end this piece but i will just say, i’m enjoying not interacting with people like i used to and i don’t feel like i’m missing out. also, i’m about to start studying for my exams and this may be the last time i’ll blog about my mental health. (feel the need to say i know some of my friends will read this, i love y’all 💕).
