august 1, 2022.
i was going to sleep but my mind is thinking about a lot of things and i can’t stop crying, so i thought about my blog and how i haven’t written something over a year and decided to just keep this piece here.
i have anxiety and it get triggered by anything, it can be the littlest thing. when i get triggered —for someone who loves food, i lose my appetite, i become restless, my heart gets really heavy and if it’s very bad, i feel like i’m going to pass out. i also feel useless and unable to do anything. there are times when it morphs into sadness and i feel an overwhelming urge to cry. but sometimes, the tears doesn’t come and i’m left feeling pathetic. (if you read my blog a lot, you’ll notice i like to describe myself as pathetic).
this time, my anxiety started on saturday night. i wanted to talk to three people and yup, it triggered my anxiety. on that night, while eating noodles with my friend, i told her i wanted to cry and even though she said i should cry, the tears didn’t come and i ended up not finishing the noodles. even though i’m no longer anxious, i’m feeling an incredible bout of sadness and it’s the kind of sadness that makes me feel like i’ll be okay, that i will be up and be my usual bubbly self again.
i am so tempted to say ‘everything good will come’ but i have also been telling myself that i will not affirm myself out of this feeling. that i will allow myself feel, that i will wallow in self pity, feel like i’m the shittiest thing ever, or feel like i’m being punished for something or how i’m unloveable or how nobody cares and then cry my eyes out till i’m tired of feeling this pathetic. tired because i know none of these things are true but this is the only way i can cry and not cut myself.
i have been struggling with anxiety for a long time but i have noticed it is getting worst. sometimes i get triggered by one thing and it just affects another thing that’s totally unrelated to what triggered me. when the triggers come, i’m forced to shut down and for someone who’s quite bold, i’m always scared to face these triggers.
i really need to get professional help soon because not only do i struggle with anxiety, i think i might have ADHD. my brain isn’t really in the best state right now.
i don’t know how i feel writing this, but my head is banging and i just want to dump this here and sleep. (my sleep paralysis might wake me up).
