august 3, 2022.
idk why i’m writing this on my blog and using titles like this when inside of me, i feel nothing and if you ask me how i am, i’ll tell you, “just there”.
this morning, i finally had the strength to bath. i haven’t had my bath since monday. when i tried having my bath on monday, i broke down and cried. i have also been starving myself and today, when i tried to eat, i wasn’t feeling it. i haven’t gone out since the last time i went to school on monday to write a test that was later canceled. i have been inside, lying on my bed and nursing myself back to life. the only person i have talked to very much since i started to feel this way is my big sister. she’s going to read this and i want her to know the voice note she sent me when i wrote my last piece is keeping me through. i have not been talking to anyone because it feels to heavy to talk, i feel like i may cry with no reason if i try to. i have decided that’s how it’ll be this month, sometimes it’s okay to not be a participant, it’s okay to just sit and watch.
there’s ‘ded’ on my whatsapp and my sister thought i was contemplating dying. to be honest, it did cross my mind but one of my friends bought me a cute tote bag and i haven’t collected it and i have an amazing job to start after my exam next month, dying isn’t an option. i need to add that my brother got me a green slide, if i die now, will i be able to rock them? no.
today, i’m not happy neither am i sad which is a good thing, like a progress sort of, but my anxiety came back again but this time, it didn’t turn to sadness. it’s just my heart beating very fast and stopping me from sleeping well. i woke up this morning, with quick heartbeats and as i write this, i just woke up because again, my heart was beating really fast in my sleep. i’m trying to breathe in but it’s not working and i don’t know what to do. maybe there are exercises or physical routines i can do, i’ll do researches.
i have been binge watching my favorite youtube series: jenifa’s diary and skinny girl in transit. i feel like my monthly allowance is going to run out soon because i’m going to be spending it on data and buying food. asides not going out and talking to anyone, i want to entertain my mouth and eyes while i sit and watch, makes the watching more fun.
i’m rereading chimamanda’s Americanah, too and it’s under me as i write this. i have been trying to find a word to describe chimamanda’s writing and yesterday night, ‘interesting’ came to my mind — you just want to keep reading and reading once you start.
i want to end this not-so happy piece by saying community, i.e your friends, your family, is very important. while crying my eyes out yesterday night in the bathroom, i prayed about needing help and comfort and how i can’t get out of this feeling by myself. i need help, i need saving.
i’m going to go back to youtube now to binge watch skinny girl in transit. i’m on season 3 episode 1. 🫶🏾
